Sunday, 22 August 2010

Take a look at this toots!

OK kids, this is a quick post as I've got a pot of fresh seaweed on the boil and I'm as hungry as a whale with no Jonah in his belly.

I just wanna alert your attention to this website

Now go check it out you land locked turds!

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Big Venue Little Help

So I'm at some hotshot big-ass venue that thinks it's the reason the Fringe exists and I wanna go see a show. Now you may not know this but sometimes I use crutches just for a change. All mermaids have good upper arm strength so it aint no biggie.

So me and my pal we hop up to a little techie fella to walk us to the lift. So far so standard. But before we got in the lift the guy tells us it aint been working properly all day. Thanks for warning us before we set out, I think, oh and thanks for calling a guy in to fix it!

Anyway we get in and we should be going up but instead it goes down to the dusty ole staff-only basement. Doors open and the techie fella panics and says "it's being filmed! We can't be late can you take the stairs instead?" But now that I'm down on the basement I'd have to deal with three flights so that's even more than before! And another thing,it wasn't even going out live, so why the rush?! Personally I don't give a seal's arse about television but here in fringe land if something's being filmed it seems you gotta break your back to accommodate it.

Luckily I'm 275 years old so I aint gonna bow to pressure. I put my tail down and insist we wait for the lift to work and in a minute or so it does. But if I was a young fish I might have felt pressured. And that aint in the spirit of the it?

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Broken Elevators and Bruised Tails.

Okay. So I’m over from the States and I’m staying in this apartment. Of course ‘cause I’m a mermaid I use a wheelchair to get around, but the dumb ass apartment chick stuck me up on the 5th floor. There’s an elevator though so I said sure okay I’ll stay on the 5th floor.

 Last night I got real comfortable on the arm chair and settled down to watch a movie. I put my tail in the fish tank to soak it and had myself a stiff drink. So I’m sitting there all restful when the power cuts out. Not good. I got a tail full of fish and I can’t see shit. I manage to hop across the room, grab a tea towel and get an early night, but I bash my fin on a coffee table by mistake ‘cause the powers down. So. I try and sleep but I’m pissed that my fin is now gonna have to be bandaged in the morning.

It’s midnight and the fire alarm goes. “Fine I’ll take the elevator” I think, but then I see the dumb ass sign saying IN THE EVENT OF FIRE DO NOT USE LIFT. USE STAIRS. So I have the indignity of a security guard carrying me down the stairs like a baby when I’m old enough to be his great grandmother.

Out in the porch I sit in a chair and wait for the all clear. Whaddaya know, no fire, just some fast food joint who shares the alarm, tripping the switch.

So we all traipse back upstairs. Except I don’t ‘cause the elevator’s broke. So I’m stuck in the hall waiting for an elevator engineer to come out. They’re 24 hour though right? So I think, sure what’s the problem, wait 30minutes then back in bed. Nope. 2am in the morning and they still aint arrived. Me and the security guard can’t get ‘em over here so I’m stuck.

In the end I sleep in the car. Yeah I drive; I’ve got an adapted car. What you never heard of hand controls?  I wake up at 6am exhausted, scared (there’s a tramp staring at me through the window) and cold. What’s worse is that my tail is seriously dehydrated and there’s sure to be a trip to the Royal Infirmary. Great. That’s all I need. I wait until 10.00am for the elevator to be fixed and what apology do I get? Jack shit. In the words of the Ambassador, “Edinburgh, with this Disability Discrimination Act you are really spoiling us”.